31. Knock Knock
Who’s There?
Dishes
Dishes Who?
Dishes Sean Connery.
32. Two men meet on opposite sides of a river. One shouts to the other “I need you to help me get to the other side!”
The other guy replies “You are on the other side!”
33. Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They’re making headlines.
34. I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
35. A guy walks into a bar and orders a fruit punch.
The bartender says “Pal, if you want a punch you’ll have to stand in line.” The guy looks around, but there is no punch line.
36. People in Dubai don’t like the Flintstones.
But people in Abu Dhabi do!
37. My friends say there’s a gay guy in our circle of friends… I really hope it’s Todd, he’s cute.
38. I’ve been told I’m condescending.
(that means I talk down to people)
39. How did the hipster burn his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
40. What’s ET short for?
He’s only got little legs.
41. Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and have their shoes.
42. Why aren’t koalas actual bears?
They don’t meet the koalafications.
43. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
44. I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
45. Some people think it’s romantic to carve their names on trees in the park while on a date.
I’m more worried about why they’re bringing a knife on their date.
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